Seeking Permission, Colonel Bastard sir!
by WordsAreEnough
Summary: As it turns out, getting permission from the Colonel Bastard to go out looking for the Philosopher's Stone is harder than it looks. One-shot; humor. Signature style, see author profile for more details


"Hey brother, what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to find Colonel Bastard. He keeps disappearing, and it's_ really_ pissing me off."

"Wow Ed, what did he do this time?"

"I can't _find _him – oh, hey, have you seen the Colonel? No? Damn."

"You should stop sulking, brother."

"I'm _not_ sulking, Al. Besides, we need to get Mister Stick-up-the-arse's permission to go look for the Philosopher's Stone over in Winchestville. I'll be court marshalled if I don't this time."

"He was pretty upset when we left last time without permission, brother. He – he nearly burnt us alive."

"He wouldn't have _really_ have done it, Al, stop worrying. He knows my ghost would come back to haunt him if he did – oh, hey Maes."

"Hello Mr Maes, sir."

"Yo Ed! What are you and your brother up to today? I don't normally see you around this part of Headquarters."

"We're trying to find Colonel Mustang, sir."

"And the vehicle hanger's one of the places I haven't checked yet, so here we are. Have you seen him?"

"We just finished lunch, he should be back at his office now. Hey Ed, before you go, take a look at this – no, don't – don't go, _look_. Look at how adorable my little girl is! She's playing in her little baby pool, and here's her splashing around, and – hey, where'd ya go? Ed? Al?"

"That was too close."

"Phew, tell me about it.'

"C'mon Al, I really want to head out by tonight. It's going to take a couple of hours to get there."

"Stop worrying, brother, I doubt he's – hey, is that Major Armstrong doing that?"

"Oh, crap. Al, keep walking, hurry! Before he sees us!"

"He's on the phone."

"Huh. So he is."

"But, but Oliver, beloved sister, please don't yell–"

"_Don't tell me what to do! I'm sick and tired of hearing all of these ridiculous and embarrassing stories of a stupid and blond major in Central that disgraces the Military by destroying civilian property! If I hear _one_ more rumour, _one_ more whisper, I will cut off your ears myself!_"

"Sister, you're shouting so loud everyone can hear you."

"_I don't care!_"

"Hey Ed, I think we should keep moving."

"Y-yeah, coming. That's just a l-little sc-scary, you think?"

"You haven't even met Major Armstrong's sister, Ed. She could be nice."

"I doubt it. Very scary."

"Hey Ed, are you okay? You look kinda pale."

"Oh hi Havoc. I'm just thinking about how I'm going to avoid the Major's family for eternity – why are you dressed like that?"

"_I've_ got a date tonight with the _lovely_ Angel."

"Her name's 'Angel'?"

"Yep."

"Al! Cover your ears! No – I don't care – just do it! And you! Wipe that smug grin off your face!"

"C'mon Ed, I haven't been laid in _ages_. I can't help but be cheery."

"Havoc, because I am a good friend, and a wonderful person, I'll be the one to break the bad news."

"Bad news?"

"Angel is a _hooker_."

"I _know!_ Isn't that amazing to you or what?"

"You're a sicko, Havoc."

"Nice to see you too, Ed! Whoopie! Everyone! I've got a date tonight; I've got a date tonight."

"Well, at least he's happy, Al."

"Yeah… Brother, what's a hooker?"

"I told you to keep your ears shut!"

"I DON'T HAVE EARS!"

"You could've walked away a bit!"

"What's a hooker!"

"Don't _shout_ it out, Al!"

"Hooker! Hooker! Hooker!"

"Al! Quiet down, and I'll tell you, okay?"

"Okay."

"A hooker is… umm… a hooker is a lady who, umm… well, she sleeps with men for money."

"Is that all? It must be a pretty easy job if all they have to do is sleep."

"Yes. That's all they do. Period. C'mon, Al, The Colonel's office isn't too far away now."

"I fold."

"Me too."

"Yes! Haha, suckers. Come to papa, my pretty babies. Papa's been waiting for you to come home."

"I can't believe you won."

"Me neither."

"I have skills, man."

"Does Hawkeye know that you three are playing poker instead of working?"

"Nope."

"She's with the Colonel in his office."

"And we're on our smoko."

"Uh-huh. Wait – how the hell did Falman win?"

"I've got the magic touch today, young Ed."

"Don't tell him this, but we just feel kinda sorry for him. I had four aces in my hand, and Fuery had a straight set."

"Aren't you two nice."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit Ed."

"You two are planning to make him broke, aren't you?"

"Absolutely."

"What are you four whispering about over there?"

"Nothing, Falman, nothing. Come on, I'll deal the next round."

"Hey Ed, can you here that?"

"What are you doing, Al?"

"Put your ear against the door."

"I can't hear anything."

"_Exactly_. They're not speaking to each other."

"Ed! I don't care how important you think you are, but someone with such a _small_ rank as yourself _does not_ barge into their superior's office!"

"Who are you calling short, you bastard!"

"Well, not the gigantic suit of armour next to you, tiny!"

"One day I'm going to kill you in your sleep, asshole!"

"You wouldn't be able to reach the top of the bed to get to me, shrimp."

"Who are you calling a shrimp so small that he has to climb up a bed like a ladder to be able to throttle their superior?"

"Me. Or are you so small that your tiny brain can't process what I said?"

"Hello Miss Hawkeye."

"Hello Al."

"Will they be okay?"

"I've got it covered if it gets out of control. Don't worry about them, Al."

"Okay Miss Hawkeye."

"Sigh. And I just got him started on his paperwork, too."

"Is that what you two were doing?"

"What did you think we were doing?"

"Umm… nothing Miss Hawkeye. We kind of assumed someone had killed the Colonel silently. I think Ed hoped."

"Why would you think that?"

"He wasn't complaining."

"Oh."

"You really think that you should be talking about popcorn, Fullmetal? I'm surprised that your mouth is big enough to fit in one piece of popcorn."

"You really like pushing my buttons, King of Bastards!"

"I wouldn't push them if you didn't have so many, shrimp."

"What my brother and I really want, Mr Colonel sir, is permission to travel to Winchestville for a week or two."

"Request denied."

"WHAT?"

"Please, sir, we just need to see if we get any leads on the Philosopher's stone."

"I know. You two are so desperate to go looking for it that it's amusing to see your brother squirm to get my say-so."

"I hate your guts."

"I'm also your superior."

"Colonel, please."

"I just need this one favour…"

"… Sigh. What?"

"I need someone to carry these stacks of files and paper up to Fürer Bradley's secretary by fourteen hundred hours sharp."

"That's in fifteen minutes! And there are ten stacks!"

"I know it's going to be difficult because the piles are bigger than you, Fullmetal, but I'm sure you'll manage."

"WATCH THIS PIPSQUICK SMALLER THAN SIZE ELEVEN FONT CARRY ALL OF THE STACKS AT ONCE, YOU BASTARD!"

"Brother! Wait for me!"


End file.
